Do you become very disappointed when you husband can’t read your thoughts, or sit quietly listening to your whole day’s story? I think many of us can answer, “yes,” to that question. We get frustrated when they just don’t understand, when they can’t read our minds. But why? The answer comes in our different communication styles.
Men communicate quite differently than us, if you haven’t noticed. They are NOT wrong for communicating the way the were created to do even though we often get mad at them for the way they communicate. We expect them to communicate like we do, because that is what we understand. When we do that, we are asking them act like a woman instead of a man. To act, think and respond like we do. Instead of them being a man and our husbands, we are wanting them to be our best girlfriend instead! That’s no bueno!
So why the differences? It starts at birth. Males are different than females in everything, every way, every circumstance and science proves it. No matter how hard we try, we can not change the way we or they are created.
Studies have shown documented behavioral differences between male and female children as young as their first year of life. In one study a barrier was placed between a boy and his mother. The young boy did anything physical to knock it out of the way to reach her. The same barrier for a girl was put in place, she did nothing physical, only cried until she was picked up. As you can see, even at a young age males are physical in response to solving problems while females are verbal. As these children grow up, you may notice that the girls become more and more verbal with lots of drama as to where the boys become men of few words.
There is nothing wrong with the way we process and communicate. We just do it differently. Thankfully we have variations between us, we just need to learn to work together to make communication work.
For some reason, we as women, tend to create huge unreasonable expectations of our men. This happens in large part to: 1) We don’t accept them as men 2) We don’t respect their masculine qualities 3) We are selfish in our desires to take care of our problems.
Because of this, we expect them to be just like us, to be our best girlfriend instead of our husbands, instead of a man. At first, we don’t expect this, but after we get married, we all of sudden see what we thought were charming qualities and feel that they need to be fixed. They need to start acting more like us.
A lot of women can get hostile when accused of treating their husband’s like their best girlfriend. None of this is meant to accuse you of doing something on purpose, I think we just naturally fall into this routine because we have not been taught or led any other way. Most likely you are reading this because something isn’t working in your marriage, and it could very well be the fact that you are treating your husband more like a woman than a man! Instead of getting bent out of shape, lets work on treating our men like men and see if anything changes.
HOW WOMEN COMMUNICATE
- Tells all details of every single moment of the day
- Needs an answer now
- Expresses feelings and emotions verbally
- Talks a lot
- The more talking the better
- Needs an outlet to vent to
- Very verbal
- Doesn’t want a solution, just someone that will listen
- Think men should know what we are thinking
- Speaks in code, hidden messages.
HOW MEN COMMUNICATE
- Man of few words
- Likes to process and think over the questions before responding
- Too many details causes them to lose interest
- The less talking the better
- Needs time to decompress after coming home before being bombarded with the daily digest
- Loves solving problems
- Needs clear communication with no hidden messages
When wives don’t get the response they want from their husbands or their husbands are being quiet, they take it as a sign of trouble or disagreement. We think they are withholding something from us, which they are not. Men don’t communicate like we do, it’s as simple as that. The sooner we realize that and adjust the better our marriages will be.
But what if you need to vent? What if you need someone to hear all the hectic details of your day? God should be your first source to vent to, to take your emotions and feelings to. He can handle them much better than your husband. I’m not say to never let your husband know how you are feeling, but when you do, please be clear. Just tell him what you are thinking and feeling. If you don’t bombard him on a daily basis with every detail in the world, he will be more willing to listen and be that ear you need when you do go to him.
Try to have a girlfriend that you trust and holds no judgement on your life or your husband to talk details to. I know this can be hard at times. As for myself, I don’t have a person like that in my life. I have many great friends, and one in particular that I can go to with anything, but I still don’t like to vent to her all the time. I have learned to take most things to God.
Too many women get caught up in too many chic-flicks seeing the “perfect man” on the screen. We forget that he is a character that has been cast to play that specific role. Most times, it’s an unrealistic role of a man. Society and the media wants us to forget how to treat men like men. They want to emasculate our men. Then when we (as a society) succeeds at that, we as women whine and wonder where all the “real” men are. Where is the “man’s-man.” We want someone tough and masculine, not whimpy and whiny. Although that’s exactly how we’ve been treating them.
Let’s quit treating them like our bff and start treating them like the men they were created to be. Let’s treat them with love and care and show it to them the way they understand. It takes one person in a marriage to begin to make improvements.
One way to do that, is to start communicating with them in a way they can understand. Please remember, that just because of his inability to read your mind and act on your emotions it is not a sign that he doesn’t love you or that he’s insensitive. He just doesn’t understand what you are trying to say. When he feels lost and overwhelmed by your form of communication with him, he will retreat and become uninterested.
Many husbands will quit communicating with theirs wives because to them feel like they are in the wrong every time they talk to you. If they don’t listen the right way, say the right thing, or answer the way you want them too, you are mad.
Can you relate? That was me more times than I would like to admit. Sometimes still today. Marriage is a continuing education process. You never quit growing and learning. You never quit trying to make your marriage work.
HOW TO CLEARLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR HUSBAND
- Don’t bombard him with a million things at once.
- Don’t interrogate him.
- Listen to him without judgment or answers.
- Don’t over analyze him.
- Hug him.
- Take what he says at face value.
- Don’t put what he says through a “fem-filter” and extrapolate what he said into what you want to believe.
- No subtle hints, just tell him in clear details.
- Don’t “vent” to try to manipulate him into understanding what you mean (ex: Tell him you have no time to fix dinner tonight. He offers to take the baby out for a walk while you cook. You get mad because you wanted to go out for dinner.)
- If there is something really important that you need to discuss with him, something that has been a problem in your mind for quite a while, take his hand and explain exactly what you are feeling. This lets him know that this is a serious issue to you.
- Don’t ask him what he’s going to do for the day, then get mad when he lists out his to-do tasks, and they don’t include you. If you want to spend the day with him, just ask him or tell him that you would like to spend the day with him instead of beating around the bush. Be clear!
- Begin with the subject of the conversation instead of taking the long way around to get there.
- No dropping hints, be clear!
- Men are not mind readers. They usually don’t know if they have done something wrong in your eyes. They have no clue what it was or when it happened. They just know from the atmosphere in the house that something is not right. The silent treatment is a giveaway to them, they just don’t know why they are getting it. Be clear!
- He can’t fix a problem if he asks you what’s wrong and you say “nothing.” He needs to know what it is to make things right or talk them out with you.
- Sometimes they forget. Distractions happen, give them grace. Ask again without nagging or saying, “I already asked you for this 10 times, you never listen.” Remind him again gently and in a loving manner.
THE BENEFITS OF COMMUNICATING CLEARLY
- Men want to make their women happy and will do almost anything for them if you are clear.
- They are impressed by honesty.
- By being clear and making short requests, most of the time they will love making your requests happen.
- They love solving problems, let them know what is wrong and let them help.
- Asking in a loving and sincere manner will often get you a quick response and getting you what you want.
If are clear in your communication, not expecting your husband to read your mind, things will go much better. Take him at face value. Believe what he says. Most of the times he’s not trying to trick you, lie to you or manipulate you. That takes too much work. He believes in simplicity and solutions. Treat him well. Be someone that he can respect and love. Love him like he never hurt you and the love that will come back to you will be flowing over.
Photo by Juil Yoon on Unsplash
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