It’s easy to fall into a negative pattern in our marriages. Many times we don’t realize the harm they can do to ourselves and our husbands. Some of the reasons we fall into these patterns is because of childhood problems, insecurity, lack of trust, worry and wanting full control.

None of those reasons are healthy for a successful marriage or even a pleasant life with yourself. I’ve been in some of those patterns, particularly, insecurity, worry and wanting control. Those feelings and emotions never profited me anything. And I was down-right miserable and tough to live with. Somedays I’m still amazed that my husband married me.

The months before we said our vows, my countenance became all of those patterns. I was crazy, mean, unreasonable, hurtful, angry. Anyone near me then, should’ve ran far, far away. I am so grateful, blessed and thankful that my husband stuck it out with me. I calmed down and regained composure eventually. We were so young, 21, when we got married. We were babies still growing up. But we were growing up together and I was very immature at that time.

You can’t blame it completely on age, because there have been other times throughout my life that some of these negative patterns creeped back up. I have learned to control and maintain a much better way of living, after I realized those were problem areas. It wasn’t until those negative behaviors were brought to my attention that I could fix them and realize that if I didn’t, my marriage most likely would not make it.

If you notice any of these negative patterns in your life, it’s time to step back and take control of your attitude and way of treating others, specifically your husband.

None of these descriptions are there for you to be put down, but for you to notice if you exhibit any of these patterns. Sometimes we don’t realize what we are doing something has become such a habit and a part of our life that we do it unconsciously. If any of these negative behaviors strike a cord with you, you may want to investigate it a little more. Take it before the Lord and ask him to reveal what is going on. Talk to your husband and tell him you think you notice a few things and ask him if he can confirm it. Find marriage or self-help books that focus on the patterns you are noticing. It’s amazing what others share in books that can help us out. If necessary, hire professional guidance to help you navigate and lead you to a happier life.

8 Different Types of Obsessive and Unstable Patterns

1. The Overly-Dominant Wife

• Simple need to control your husband.
• Control your husband’s surroundings.
• You feel safer about your marriage if you can be the one to control everything.
• You use a loud voice and/or yells a lot.
• Use manipulation to control.
• Uses illnesses to control your husband or family.
• Your goal is to create guilty feelings in others (could be unconsciously).
• Uses crying to manipulate and get your way.
• You may feel self-sacrificing and full of love, but it has gone to the extreme measure of self-sacrifice.

 

2. The Self-Centered Wife

• Over-the-top preoccupied with your self, including your looks, your body and your own interests.
• Almost possessed with self-beauty having difficulty achieving emotional maturity.
• Have heard how beautiful you are your whole childhood. This has creeped into your adult life with the feeling of needing to be accepted by worrying about your looks. This may have created a self-centered perspective on your life.
• May have been overpraised as a child for a specific talent, now you consciously or unconsciously expect that same praise for everything you do to feel accepted.
• In constant need of praise.
• Feels the need to be catered to.
• Can use illness for control.
• Doesn’t notice the needs of your husband and refuses to meet them if you do notice them.

 

3. The Child-Like Wife

• Living in a fairy-tale like existence. Expecting the marriage and household to be like a fairy-tale.
• Demanding.
• Behaves with pouting, crying, demands and threats.
• Unreasonable attitude as an almost regression back into childhood.
• Unreasonable expectations from your husband.
• Complaints of living conditions because they don’t meet your needs of that fairy-tale life.
• Emotional immaturity that makes life impossible for your husband.
• Expecting instant fulfillment of every wish.

 

4. The Overly-Masculine Attitude Wife

• Wants power in the marriage and over your husband, but when you win it, you feel he isn’t strong enough to be your man and stand up to you.
• Always engaged in a struggle for power in the marriage.
• This attitude can stem from childhood problems such as: you learned that no man could take care of you, having an alcoholic father, an overly strict or domineering father.
• You want a strong husband but fear that he could become too controlling or like your domineering father.
• Subtle manipulation.
• Deep hostility towards all men, especially your husband.

 

5. The Martyr Wife

• Masochistic behavior.
• Unconsciously seeks punishment, may be accident-prone, operation-prone, or simply prone to make bad judgement in efforts to be defeated.
• Unable to find happiness in your marriage or with your husband.
• Unable to endure success or happiness.
• Constantly verbally complaining.
• Plays the “poor unfortunate me” game in efforts to gain any kind of attention.
• If you can’t get love in the relationship, you will accept sympathy or pity as a replacement.
• You suffer in silence patiently waiting and in the hopes that your husband will notice and give you any type of attention.
• Usually stems from child-hood and most times needs professional guidance to overcome this.

 

6. The Passive-Aggressive Wife

• You are both passive and submissive with aggressive tendencies.
• You may have various degrees of conflict operating within you, usually at an unconscious level.
• You want to control your husband and children, for their good.
• Wants to be taken care of, but if you feel it’s not done properly and your way, you often feel you just have to do it yourself because your husband isn’t capable.
• Impatient tolerance for your husband’s weaknesses.
• Push your husband over the edge with arguing and prod him into rage, then you fall back into a passive attitude and retreat.
• Worried about losing your identity.
• Power struggle in the marriage.

 

7. The Jealous-Possessive Wife

• Usually comes from a deep insecurity.
• Worried about being left alone, or left for someone “better.”
• You subtly and constantly ask and get as much information as possible about the whereabouts and activities of your husband when he is not in your presence.
• You never trust your husband, even if he never gave you any reason to be untrustworthy.
• At the slight mention of another woman, you can go into a barrage of questions, often with rage.
• You don’t let your husband go anywhere without you, even to the store, business trips or to his family’s house.
• May have lost your father, either to death or divorce, that makes you worry about losing your husband.
• You may not realize that the jealousy and possessiveness will drive away your husband. You unconsciously behave in this manner with end results likely to be terrible.

 

8. The Depressed Wife

• This can be minor that passes by, or a deep depression that requires professional guidance.
• Could be depression during “that time of the month” and will pass. Most husband’s realize this and work with you or around this.
• Highly emotional state, irritable most of the times, cries easily and often.
• Depression could be so deep that you may not be able to carry on a conversation with your husband.
• Could stem from overwork, over stimulation and a lack of a break from mom-duties or household responsibilities. May just need a day off here and there to recoup.
• Have become unhappy with your life, expecting it would turn out to be something different. Have lost the way to handle and function.

This may be the first time you are recognizing some negative patterns in yourself. If it is, you may be able to work through it yourself, with your husband or with professional guidance. Either way, communication is key to success. If you keep these patterns to yourself and don’t seek a little help at least, you are less-likely to succeed. If you feel you can’t talk to your husband about this, find a very trusting friend, a church leader or professional help.

I have come along way from many of these negative patterns; control, self-centeredness, jealousy. Even writing this list and reviewing the book The Art of Understanding Your Mate (affiliate link), I can see a few things that have crept back in that I need to take care. Things I didn’t really see as being a possible problem area. Things that I have chalked up to my personality.

When it comes to marriage, there are two of us, working together, living together and loving together. If we lose our way in our own weaknesses and negative sides of our personalities, our marriages will suffer. Sometimes we won’t even see the tough times coming, that we essentially caused. It’s better to nip-it-in-the-bud now, if you notice anything.

 

Featured Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

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