Have you been able to fix your husband yet? Or try to make your wife do just the “right” thing? How has that worked for you? I would imagine you keep getting the same results. But you just don’t understand why. You may feel that your spouse is trying to fix you, when in reality you might be trying to do the same thing, fix them.

If only they could see how perfect you could make them, right! Wrong!

It’s probably making you insane by now, the trying and trying, over and over of making them change, of “fixing” them.

Did you know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? Well you might be in Marriage Insanity right now with the task of trying to fix your spouse.

Can I just say this…

STOP

It’s not going to work!! AT ALL. No matter what you say or how hard you try.

Here’s the thing. It is NOT your job to make your spouse change. It is NOT your job to FIX him or her.

Before you were married, you most likely adored all of your spouses traits. You probably thought they were so cute. But after marriage, those cutesy little things might be the very thing that you are trying to change.

Why? Why are you trying to change your spouse?

Are they no longer perfect in your eyes? Are they incapable of handling a relationship with you? Do you feel that they could just be a better person if only you could change them?

You need to take a step back and look at the situation or trait you are trying to fix. Why does it bug you? Why can’t you accept your husband or wife with this specific “problem” or trait?

With me, most of the times when I was trying to “fix” my husband, I figured I had a better way of doing something. It made more sense “my way” and could get done faster. I always thought I knew best. For some reason all of sudden I felt he was incapable of running his life and our married life. It was like I lost trust for him, but I wasn’t really sure why.

Looking back, the reason for me, was control! I wanted control of everything. I felt safe when I was in control. It can be hard to trust another person with your life and your future.

It only made things worse that I didn’t trust him, his ways, his traits and his care for me. Can you imagine being with a wife that doesn’t trust you. That stinks! It’s amazing he stuck with me during my “crabby” time.

When I began to study personalities and our differences, a few things began to click. I began to see my weaknesses and why I was having so many control issues.

Over time, with patience and praying, I learned to ease up and begin to trust him again.

Today is much different. Yes we still have disagreements, and yes, sometimes I wish he would do things my way, but I let him do his thing. I’m not trying to fix him anymore. Besides, it’s not my job to fix him. That’s God’s. I’m really glad that it’s not my job to fix another human. That is too much work and responsibility. Can you imagine if I messed up trying to fix someone, eeks!

I learned that not only could I trust him with the responsibility of being my husband and taking care of our family, but he just had a different way to do things. It wasn’t wrong, just different. It wasn’t better, just different.

Differences are good. God puts our differences together to make a strong person! He does that because He has a purpose for our marriages. We become one when we are married. We need to combine our strengths to become a strong one for battling this world, for making it through, for shining the light on Christ and for building strong families (the fabric of our society!)

How do you begin to stop trying to fix your spouse? It takes time first of all and patience, with yourself! You have to be WILLING to want to change. To stop being in control. To trust him or her again. You will also need to forgive…yourself!

How To Stop Fixin’ Him or Her

1. Figure out what you are trying to fix your husband or wife.

2. Why are you trying to fix how he or she does something or his or her personality traits.

3. Study your marriage! (If you want to have a better marriage, you are going to have to work on it. It’s not some magical fairy tale that when a wand is waved everything will be hunky-dory!)

Resources for Studying your Marriage:
Identify Your Personalities
Discover Your Love Languages

Books:

• Wired That Way
• The Five Love Languages
• His Needs Her Needs

4. Let your spouse know that you are trying to stop being in so much control and you’re working on not trying to fix them anymore. Let them know you will need help, gentle help. Ask them to let you know when you are trying to fix them again. Don’t take offense to what they say, just take them to heart and find what truth there is to what they are saying.

5. Learn to find the good things about your spouse. We all have weaknesses, but we all have strengths too! Find them, focus on them and let your spouse know how much you appreciate them.

Instead of tearing each other down, build each other up! Become a strong married couple and battle together not against each other. This world is becoming tougher and tougher to live in. We need an ally on our side. God gave you one. Cherish and respect that special someone. Stand strong together!

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